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Breakups suck. Especially that last bit, depending on how long you guys dragged it out. The lack of caring. Picking at each other for no good reason. Maybe she even started openly flirting with other guys (you know, like laughing at their stupid jokes and hitting them playfully). Coming up with excuses not to hang out as much... Lack of sex. You know the story. It's pretty much the same one for everyone with only slight variation.

And I'm sure by now you've already Googled "how to get my girlfriend back" or something to that effect. The truth is, there's lots of misinformation out there. Lots of free, crappy information and lots of outdated products you should stay away from. There are a few good ones though, but the majority are crap. Just being honest.

If you want a good starting place, get the basics down first.

That means you need to stop acting desperate. I get it, you loved her, but clearly the feeling is not mutual, otherwise she'd be with you right now. And she's not. Stop texting her all the bloody time. Stop calling her. Stop apologizing (assuming you didn't do anything substantially wrong). Stop supplicating toward her right this minute! This demonstrates lower value and women don't respond to guys like that.

The reason she gave you for the breakup is almost certainly not the real reason. The real reason is simple: She lost attraction for you. Either she didn't want to overtly say this and hurt your feelings, or she herself doesn't fully understand.

For you right now, the key is to limit contact with your ex or depending on the dynamic, eliminate contact altogether for about three weeks. You want to throw her off balance by mixing up your pattern a bit. If you text her "I love you" every night, stop. In fact, after a breakup you shouldn't be saying "I love you" at all, unless you completely fucked up and cheated on her or something like that. You want to switch up the pattern she's grown accustomed to.

Now I really want you to sit down and think about the person you were when you guys first started dating. Ask yourself what changed? How did you go from being the guy you once were to what you are now (probably a groveling fool). Sorry, I don't mean to insult you, I've been where you are too. Everybody has at one point or another.

You want to change yourself back to the person you were. There guy she was attracted to in the beginning. The guy she fell in love with. Maybe you added a few notches to your belt? Maybe you went from being a confident guy to handing your balls over to her in a neatly wrapped box with a bow on top? I see that sort of thing all the time.

Search your soul. Only YOU can figure out in what way you changed that would cause her to lose interest in you. I don't know you.

And finally, get a life. Most guys in relationships (the ones who get dumped) tend to drift toward making the woman the center of their universe. Bad idea. Once she HAS you completely, there is no longer any interest. It's like a cat chasing a toy. Once the cat catches the toy, not long after it loses interest.

So get your old life back. Go out with the guys and have a few beers at your local favorite pub. Go on dates again, buy some killer new clothes, and above all else, start valuing yourself again.

F.A.Q.

By Matt MacPherson

Why do you worship Google as a God?

Because Google is the closest thing to a "God" that humans can know and understand. We worship Google, and we can prove not only does Google exist, but unlike any other god, it exists as we know it.

Is there a Google afterlife?

By uploading our thoughts and opinions onto the Internet, our knowledge lives on in Google's cache even after our death.

I always thought Google was a male search engine?

Search Engines don't have a gender, but there is a reason for our referring to Google as a female: originally, religions of the past thought of Gods as mainly feminine. It wasn't until monotheistic, Abrahamic religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism entered the picture that the concept of "God" became purely masculine.

You have been conditioned by your culture to view all Deities as male. The Church of Google is simply carrying on the ancient tradition of viewing gods as feminine. It's not part of any feminist agenda, nor an attempt at political correctness. It's just us breaking a cultural taboo.

How can you worship a search engine over Jesus Christ/Allah/Zeus/Spaghetti Monster? It's just a computer program!

We will answer your question with another similar question: Why do you choose to worship your god over other gods? The same amount of anecdotal evidence exists for all supernatural gods. You cannot directly experience them, they all require faith, have holy books associated with them (all claiming to be the one true word of God) and generally, believers of these gods describe a "feeling" that their god is watching over them.

Believers in all supernatural gods describe the exact same experiences and feelings without exception. Your God is in no way different than any other supernatural god. You believe in it simply for the comfort it provides you with, despite it being completely illogical. It is a psychological tool you use to cope with reality.

What ideology is Googlism founded upon?

Googlism does not follow any particular ideology. We welcome all sorts of differing views into our community. Googlism is simply the belief that Google is the closest thing to a God our species has every directly experienced. That's it.

Google is man made and therefore cannot be God.

We completely agree with you. The Christian God, Islamic God and Hindu gods are also man made concepts. They exist only in the imagination of believers. We consider the belief in invisible beings to be much more illogical than the belief in Google (as a God).

But the Bible is proof our God is real.

The Bible is proof of nothing. It was written by men. Saying the Bible is the word of God because that's what the Bible tells you is a prime example of circular reasoning. I might equally argue that Google proves itself to be a God as this very page appears if you pray to Google for the phrase "church google god".

So, if Google told you to go jump off a bridge, would you do it?

If someone told you that after you die, you're going to live 'forever' in peace and harmony in the sky, would you believe them?

Googlism hurts people by sending them to Hell.

First of all, we do not believe a "hell" exists. Secondly, Googlismm has not started any religious wars, forced its opinions onto others, discouraged critical thought, objected to harmless lifestyle choices and most importantly, we have never attempted to scare people into believing they will suffer if they reject our religion. Can you say the same for your religion? If you reject Google as your God, nothing negative (aside from your search results being crappy) will happen to you.

You're wasting your time on an idiotic and bogus religion.

Assuming you subscribe to Christianity, Islam, Judaism or any of the other major religions: "Right back at you?". Worshiping an invisible, nonexistent being is an equal, if not greater, waste of time.

It is possible to find bad things through Google, such as porn, information on how to build a bomb, etc. Doesn't this make Google "evil"?

Much like Christians, Jews and Muslims claim of their God, Google offers us all a choice. There are bad things in this world, and we must choose, as individuals, to make the right decisions. The same is to be said about searching. Google offers us free will.

But can't Google's search results be manipulated sometimes? If Google were a true God, She could not be manipulated.

And the Bible, Koran and Torah are not manipulated? Googlists would argue that these books are some of the most mass manipulated works in existence. Yes, unfortunately Google's search results can sometimes be manipulated, but this is hardly anything new when it comes to religion.

This is blasphemy! How dare you mock religion like this!?!

The Church of Google believes we should be tolerant of everyone's beliefs, provided said beliefs hurt no one. The statement above is not one of tolerance. In fact, the statement above shows two of the deadly sins: Anger and Hubris, as well as breaking some of the cardinal rule of Christianity as taught by Jesus: Love Thy Neighbor, and Turn The Other Cheek. Strange then that we, a "parody" religion, follow the philosophy of one of the most popular religions more closely than many of its followers.

We are quite serious in our belief that Google is the closest mankind has ever come to directly experiencing a Deity. We do not attack you for who or what you worship, you should extend us the same courtesy.

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