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The Good Reverend Roger
December 12th, 2008, 01:06 AM
I have a new cappuccino machine, which Maria bought me when I changed religions and gave up cactus. In retrospect, this may not have been the most responsible decision she's ever made. It turns out that I can put away 3-5 quadruple cappuccinos an hour without so much as leaving my chair out on the balcony.

Needless to say, this has led to more aberrant behavior than all the cactus I ever took. After all, now I'm wired to the gills and I still have full use of my brain. A disturbing side effect that you'd really rather not hear about - but will anyway - is this: Despite the fact that caffeine thins out blood vessels, apparently it is in large doses more powerful than a wheelbarrow full of viagra. Maria has in fact locked me out on the balcony until "such time as my fit of priapism ends and I let her get some sleep". Ho ho! It turns out that EVERYONE has their limits.

Except me, so long as I have coffee beans, cream, and water.

Provided I have these three things, I am invincible. The hooting and screeching of the primates around me does not bother me, and - provided I don't look directly at it - the Dumb cannot hurt my brain. I am above it all, here upon my fortress of arrogance.

It occurs to me that if world leaders drank this shit as much as I do, that most of our problems would be solved (on way or another). Wars would be simpler. After 20 cappuccinos, Bush would have been in Iraq himself, swinging a chainsaw, surrounded by the mutilated carcasses of his foes. Well, okay, maybe not Bush. But Nixon sure as hell would. Hell, Nixon would rip them apart with his teeth. And then he'd scoop out their hearts and shit in their torsos, all for the approval of the emperor and the roar of the crowd.

As you may have figured out by now, I may have found a new religion.

HAR HAR! Are you ready for that? Are you ready for a 265 pound maniacal jackass attempting to explain his religion to you, while spitting coffee, vomit, and stomach lining all over you? Oh, yes, this upcoming decade looks to be even more fun than the last one...provided my heart doesn't explode out of my rectum like a caffeine-powered bazooka round. And THAT might even be acceptable, depending on whom my arse is aimed at.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to explain this wisdom to the masses. They have all come out onto their balconies to listen. Or perhaps they have come out to see who is bellowing "Only in America" by Brookes and Dunn at the top of his voice as he types these words to you.

Or kill me.

http://i476.photobucket.com/albums/rr126/TGRR/TGRRrage1.jpg

rmw
December 12th, 2008, 01:21 AM
Out of curiousity, how does Starbucks fit into your religious beliefs?

The Good Reverend Roger
December 12th, 2008, 01:23 AM
Out of curiousity, how does Starbucks fit into your religious beliefs?

Anyone who makes words up for "large" and uses "tall" for "small" should be thrown off the balcony, to the howling mob.

rmw
December 12th, 2008, 01:47 AM
Anyone who makes words up for "large" and uses "tall" for "small" should be thrown off the balcony, to the howling mob.

Now see, that is a religious belief I can respect.

The Good Reverend Roger
December 12th, 2008, 02:19 AM
Now see, that is a religious belief I can respect.

Not all religions are bad. Sometimes, they're just trying to have a good time.

It isn't easy, having a good time.

Tsar Phalanxia
December 12th, 2008, 09:29 AM
Anyone who makes words up for "large" and uses "tall" for "small" should be thrown off the balcony, to the howling mob.

*Applause*

Ona related note, I hate going into, say, Burger King, and having to ask for "Double Bacon XL Burger" when they're about as small as your fist. It makes me look like such an asshole.

Loki
December 12th, 2008, 11:00 PM
I know I can't say large or fat or stuff; but what about the ginger hair?

Can we take the piss out of your hair colour?

I'll even buy you some Krill :D

Clark Nova
December 13th, 2008, 11:22 AM
the only reason i can get out of bed any more is my caffine addiction. it really makes each day brighter.

tagnostic
December 13th, 2008, 07:10 PM
I love my espresso machine
sure it could be cappucino
by why dilute it with milk
and sugar ??:icon_evil:

Tsar Phalanxia
December 14th, 2008, 11:43 AM
I love my espresso machine
sure it could be cappucino
by why dilute it with milk
and sugar ??:icon_evil:

QED

Espresso all the way.

The Good Reverend Roger
December 14th, 2008, 05:15 PM
I love my espresso machine
sure it could be cappucino
by why dilute it with milk
and sugar ??:icon_evil:

The amount I drink? My stomach would blast out of my arse like confetti, if I didn't dilute it.

rmw
December 14th, 2008, 05:18 PM
The amount I drink? My stomach would blast out of my arse like confetti, if I didn't dilute it.

A martyr for your cause, no doubt. :D

The Good Reverend Roger
December 14th, 2008, 05:25 PM
A martyr for your cause, no doubt. :D

No shit. And it would look like the chest-burster scene in Alien, only out of my ass and through my pants (assuming I am wearing any, which is never a given).

Tsar Phalanxia
December 14th, 2008, 07:47 PM
When you're not being an asshole, you're very funny, you know Roger?

rmw
December 14th, 2008, 08:10 PM
No shit. And it would look like the chest-burster scene in Alien, only out of my ass and through my pants (assuming I am wearing any, which is never a given).

For some reason, I don't find that at all surprising. Kind of disturbing, but not surprising.

Tsar Phalanxia
December 14th, 2008, 10:44 PM
For some reason, I don't find that at all surprising. Kind of disturbing, but not surprising.

Would it be surprising if I admitted I've done that?

rmw
December 14th, 2008, 11:27 PM
Would it be surprising if I admitted I've done that?

Actually, no, it wouldn't. To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if everyone on this forum walks around with no pants on. The real question is, where do you do it? In the privacy of your home or at the corner convenience store?

Tsar Phalanxia
December 15th, 2008, 09:26 AM
Oh. Well, I haven't.

rmw
December 16th, 2008, 03:09 PM
Oh. Well, I haven't.

Now, that's surprising.

The Good Reverend Roger
December 20th, 2008, 04:17 AM
For some reason, I don't find that at all surprising. Kind of disturbing, but not surprising.

All I need are engineer boots. All other clothing is optional.

tagnostic
December 20th, 2008, 05:06 PM
flip flops,

i might be
full of it
but i don't
want to
step in it