Assorted jokes.

This thread is just for various jokes.

Post your favorite ones!

Two fishermen are fishing in same place. But one pulls one fish after another, while other sits for hours without single bite.

Finally, he gives up, and asks lucky one - "Man, what`s your bait?"

Luckster replies - "Gonorrhoea pills, man! Fish eat those up!"

Unlucky fisherman the very next day runs to drug store, and asks - "Give me three... No, SIX packs of pills from gonorrhoea, please!"

Salesgirl, snidely - "What, caught some already?"

Fisherman, with huge smile - "Not yet, but I know a damn good place to!"

Ocean liner passes by small island in tropics.

People on the deck see some weird man in torn clothes on the island, who runs back and forth, waves hands, and yells something.

Someone asks captain - "Who`s that?"

Captain replies - "I`ve no idea, but he does it every month, as we pass by."

Dialogue:

- Katie, marry me! You`re the only one I`ll ever love!

- What about Janet?

- She means nothing to me, I swear! She was just a momentary infatuation!

- Well... Alright. We can try to get together again, but I`m not promising anything.

- Alright.... I understand. Would you go to performance with me tomorrow, though?

- ...Oh, sorry. I can`t. Mom`s picking me early from kindergarden tomorrow.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff"
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said "CoffeeBreak...do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet

ate the cookies

drank the milk

shat on the paper

screwed the other three cats

claimed he injured his back while doing so

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions

put in for Workers compensation and,

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT......

I was pulled over for speeding the other day.
The officer asked me if I knew how fast I was going, I said "Yes, I know, I'm in a bit hurry because I have to bury my wife"
"Bury your wife?" he says.
"Yes, thats right, the body is in the boot[1]" I reply.

The officer immediately puts me in handcuffs and into the back of his car before calling in backup and a forensics team. When the forensics team arrive and open the boot they find nothing there, the chief constable who had now arrived on the scene comes over and asks me where the body is.

"What body?" I reply,
"The officer who pulled you over reported that you said the body of your wife was in the boot of your car" he said.
"Did he?" I said, "I'll bet the bugger told you I was speeding as well didn't he".

Originally Said by AaronD

The version I've seen of that is much different. Here's how I remember it going:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!

[1]Or trunk if you are American.

It was getting very crowded in heaven so God told St. Peter to only let people in who had a really bad day on the day they died.
So, St Peter asked the first man queuing to get into heaven that day: “Did you have a bad day on the day you died?”
The man answered: “Bad day! Where do I begin? I though my wife was having an affair on me so I left work early to try and catch her. When I got into our 25th floor apartment I couldn’t see anyone so I went out onto the balcony. There was a man hanging off the edge of it by his fingertips. So, of course, I saw red! I grabbed a hammer and starting hitting his fingers; he let go but he fell into some bushes. So I heaved the refrigerator over that balcony onto him. The strain of doing so causes me to have a heart attack so I died!”
Now, St Peter couldn’t deny that it had been a bad day and it was an act of passion so he let the man in.
He turned to the next man waiting and said: “Did you have a bad day on the day you died?”
The man answered: “Well, I was doing yoga on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I lost my balance and fell. Luckily I managed to grab hold of the balcony below me but then a lunatic came out and started bashing my fingers with a hammer!! Luckily I fell into some bushes but then the maniac chucked a refrigerator onto me!”
St Peter chuckled, thought that he could really start to enjoy his job and let the man in.
He turned to the third man waiting and said: “Did you have a bad day on the day you died?”
The man answered: “Picture this: I’m hiding, naked, inside a refrigerator when……”

Physical problem, everyone. Assuming that there is six billions of people on the earth, and at least each fourth has mental deviations, estimate the angular speed of Freud`s coffin.

Originally Said by Alice Shade

Physical problem, everyone. Assuming that there is six billions of people on the earth, and at least each fourth has mental deviations, estimate the angular speed of Freud`s coffin.

7.292115090×10^-5 rad/s

It turns out, that monogamy is really for birds.

90% of birds are monogamous, but only 3% of mammals.